David & I

Beyond Sacrifical Love

March 14, 2014, 0 Comments

We fight, we squabble over trivial things and God forbid we utter the “D” word in our marriage. I’m afraid it is Yes to all of the above.

Of all the things we did and did not do, plus the intervention of the divine and of in-laws, there is but one thing we did that saved our marriage.

The husband and I are as different as night and day. He was working out at home today, he said that piece of equipment he got for a few months now, was to strengthen his core muscles. I sat next to him drying out my just-washed hair. I tried his equipment, slided forward and fell flat on my tummy. My core muscles were er… non-existent. Jokingly, I said that I shall just focus on looking good then. I tried again, and fell flat.

The kids had long gone to bed. We had a little chat, speculating about the missing plane, the new HDB buying and selling policy and the pain on my left feet that has been there for a week.

We went out recently on my birthday. He took half day to join the boys and I for lunch. Then he got me a present , a handbag I picked. When night fell, I told him. “You are so nice today, you didn’t grumble when I wanted the handbag.” He told me that it was because it was my birthday. I believed it was more than that. I believe I am prudent with finances because I don’t splurge, or look for branded items. But my husband goes further, he looks for sale, save up discount coupons, and basically, don’t spend. I call him all sorts of names which he hated and we argued numerous time over how I use money, either to gift someone, for myself or for the kids. Marriage makes a mountain out of a molehill. It often does.

One time as I was tiding up the house, I suddenly wondered why God made some people to have the ability to have zero mistakes in the things they do. I understand specific professions such as surgeons, pilots, or even engineers to be meticulous to the core. I just didn’t realise I married one until, I lived with one! I am a big picture person, having a helicopter view of things almost immediately. I see long-term and see various pieces of scenarios fitting together into one picture. The hubs occupies himself by whatever he handles and he digs at it until perfection. I died so many times while waiting for him.

I think and speak quickly, he thinks and thinks and thinks…

People say marriage is damn hard work. I agree. So many distractions gnawed on us. Married people can be lonely too. It is a misconception that only singles can be lonely. People can be so much more lonely in a crowd.

Almost every Saturday, my mum takes the boys for the whole afternoon. The husband and I will take the afternoon for a stroll, a cuppa or read together. We are book lovers, and nature lovers. we also love to hang out at nondescript places, preferring quiet over hip. We hold hands and practice saying I love you in more than one way. I tell him I prefer his perfume in brighter notes and he tells me he likes my new scent. I search out his forehead for a pimple to squeeze and nags for him to go for facial. He takes the helm of my dress and pulls it lower. He tells me only to dress sexy when I am with him. Like two college students, we will ride the bus home after that; him falling asleep as he always does in a car, and me taking in the scene around me, enjoying that little bit of privacy between us without the kids. It’s hard to feel lonely when we love.

I believed when he bought me the handbag and did not nag, it was not just because it was my birthday. The hub was learning to fall in love with me over again.

I believed, not withstanding his idiosyncrasies and mine, I’m sure, I too was learning to love him a little bit more each day.

Marriage with children, and I tell it like it is. It is one heck of alot of work. It is demanding. Crazy at times. Thrown into a life of sacrificial love and love that chooses responsibility over feelings. Love that had me give up work in the marketplace and love that had a man come home after a long day of work to do the laundry. Love that has to be kind when we can only find harsh words. Love that has to keep loving when the other is unlovable.

After dating the same man week after week, the thing that saved our marriage, is that we learnt to date each other like lovers do. (Why dating and living together after marriage is a big difference? That’s for another time.)

Tell us how important is dating after marriage for you?

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