david & sharon_edited

How Separation Makes Us Better

June 6, 2013, 2 Comments

I never thought I will be writing much about marriage. But I did, the first one was last year when we attended a marriage workshop and it left an indelible mark on both of us.

This year, I became more aware. You see, for the longest time, I had a good man in my family and I know why. Many will tell me he is good because he spends so much time at home. He would leave for work at 9am and be back around 7pm to join us for dinner, every night without fail. But I will always say, well, that is true, but anything more than 2 days in a row, we will fight. I call that over-staying.

 My husband will stay up for me to fix my blog if there are technical glitches. He would rub my back if I fall sick. He would tidy my wardrobe if the inside looks like it is filled with the remnants of a battle field.  He would volunteer to sleep with the boys on the floor if the weather gets too hot or get out of bed if one of the boy decides to sleep with mummy.

 He is a great father and a great husband. But somehow along the way, I felt that I lost a part of him.

 Often in the beginning of a relationship, the man does (most) of the courtship. I tend to fall into the category of women who believes that courtship should be initiated and thereafter the intention of pursuit be made clear by the man. I like to think that if he is attracted to a woman, he should put all his eggs in one basket. I would unreservedly initiate dates or shower my man with gifts or however he feels cherished. But, I like a man who takes on leadership right from the start of a relationship.  It tells me he is committed to try and he is confident to win.

 Marriage changes all that. When kids came along, we ceased to become the centre of attention for each other. Our roles change. No longer are we concerned about making each other happy as much as we wanted to be happy parents. From being a wife, I became a mother and he a dad.  When I stayed home, I took on more domestic roles but primarily family health, and children’s education.  From lovers who share dreams and spend time adoring each other, we have evolved to being partners. Sometimes even, we are just strictly business. 

Over time, I began to miss the gentle touch or the playful teases under the blanket at night. I miss having someone who will whisper in my ear and remind me how beautiful I am. I sometimes look at lovers in a relationship and wish I was that blissful. Granted living with another person in a marriage exposes and magnifies one’s flaws, it was impossible to remain starry-eyed after 9 years. We went from Stage I love – one that is tinted with an air of euphoria and romance to Stage III love – one that is based on companionship and commitment. There is nothing new to be discovered and no more novelty. To me, this is a tad boring and simply, strictly business.

But something happened along the way. We realised that whenever he is away for business trips, we always end up missing each other more. I enjoyed my freedom at home, being able to write and read till the wee hours of the night. But missing our cuddle before bedtime somehow makes me think of him alot more than when he is here with me.

Contrary to belief that a business trip is all pleasure, he too, began to miss me and wished I was there. We became lovers overnight.  We talked about our dreams once again. And emoticons made it so convenient for us to say “I love you” without actually saying it. There is something about writing. It can be felt more deeply in the hearts of hearts. 

And we wrote to each other regularly, punctuated with “I miss you” and “I wish you were here”.  We exchanged photos over social media and update each other regularly of what is happening in our lives. We made plans for our next date when he comes home. I think I finally understood the real meaning behind, “Absence makes the hearts grow fonder.” It is when our beloved is right next to us, we do the very thing we are not supposed to do. We take each other for granted.

So, each time he now goes away for business, we know we can press the re-start button. We know that when we are separated, we are actually learning to lean closer.

2 Responses to “How Separation Makes Us Better”

  1. janice says:

    My hub travels a whole lot too. Sometimes very last minute. I get grouchy over it coz it messes up my plans for us n the family but after we r apart, we start missing each other too. Duno abt him la.. men n their hidden emotions. But he is definitely missing the lil one a whole lot particularly since his trips r always a wk long. It makes him appreciate me more too coz he understands that being a ftwm isnt ez. But deep down i still wish he stays put more often instead of taking the plane more than me taking the mrt!

    • admin says:

      Hi Janice, I see what you mean, totally. I think it does get to a point where it becomes too frequent for some families. Mine travels every 2 to 3 months, at first it was tough, but after a few years, we seemed to get used to the rhythm. We look forward to parting and coming together again. Missing each other becomes very good for our relationship. I think we actually appreciate our distance. Let your hub know if it bothers you, I know a friend whose hub gave up his job to be nearer to his family.

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