head down1

Whatever you do, keep your feet on the ground

May 14, 2013, 1 Comment

 Looking at the boys, I can’t help but to re-live my childhood. Parenting forces us to look at the other side of the mirror. Like a walk back into our own history, like it or not.

We can choose to take a chance to make a wrong right, or ignore it and walk away. In this journey, we too discover healing for our own hearts.

It is often mysterious. Of emotional management, we started to talk about appropriating expressions. We have a plush wine coloured chair set out in the living room. A CD player at one corner and a sofa looking out into the greeneries. At any point of time when anger escalates into something words cannot convey, anyone is free to seek out any of those sweet spots, to calm down, to cry, to listen to the music, to draw, to reflect. Living spaces such as bedrooms and living rooms are places in our homes we all hope to find shelter.

 I remember storming out of my house in my early teens, or slamming doors, tearing up paper and throwing things in rage. I even took a puff or two later to show how defiant and perhaps how in control I can be of things which I really don’t have any control over. I cannot imagine how a parent would feel with such an intense child. Yet my mum would silently sweep all cigarette butts away day after day. After a few weeks, to the relief of my parents I am sure, not the slightest signs of nicotine was found on me. So as an adult, as if on the path of healing, I desire peace, a lot of courtesy and considerations for the feelings of others. With the benefit of hindsight we can be a whole lot better. I could chill by taking long walks, or stand in the shower or journal or sing and cry at the same time.

We were lucky, tantrums were not at all common with the boys. If any, one was usually sensitive and sensible and the other really pleasant and hardly selfish. But they were either passionate, gushy, excitable or persistent. I see myself entangled in a love-hate relationship with all of those traits I possessed since young. But at the age where curiosity is still taking shape and feelings are still at their exploratory stage, I find myself tip-toeing on a tightrope, unsure at times when to hold back and when to release.

His words were “This mummy.” As if modelling an adult expression. I cannot recall if it was me or someone else, but since I am the main caregiver, I give it he took it from me. He sounded frustrated. Son insisted that it was okay to take the slide head down first, and proceeded that I accused him of doing everything wrong, or something along those lines. I asked him “Is that the truth in this situation?”. He kicked the back of my car seat where I was seated in grandma’s car. I told him sternly to stay quiet and to think about what we say until we resume conversation at home.  Out of courtesy, I learnt not to argue infront of those who possess special privilege to spoil the child. 

It is difficult to have to break the news to the children that what they believed and hold fast to at that moment of happiness could be a lie. Like sliding down the slide head first sure sounds dizzily happy, but certainly not when the chances of injury is high. Believe me, there are playgrounds with slides that go on forever. I re-enacted the scene by putting a playmobile toy head first on an impromptu slide. It was probably a detractor for what he already knew was not right. Perhaps it helped that I wanted to show him I really understood what he meant. Perhaps I find the need to defend my grounds because of my intense love for him. “Mummy & Daddy are the only ones, plus your brother who love you THE MOST (at the moment), so you must trust us.” And to let him know that there are stuff he can do that is just as fun, thrilling or exciting like sliding down a pole like a firemen which he is wild about.

“Whatever you do, keep your feet on the ground.” But I left this unsaid, “Until you are much older, and wiser, there are always things like sky diving, shark hunting or deep-sea scavenging. And if you ever get bored, try marriage. But it entails more skill, more guts and perhaps the truth is, by that time, mummy would be brave enough to let you go head first. Only because you are ready.”

With love always, mummy.

One Response to “Whatever you do, keep your feet on the ground”

Leave a Reply